I’m fragile. I take on too much. My daily life probably looks manageable to every other person. It’s a daily struggle. I can break at any moment. I constantly have to tell myself to keep it together. It’s a second job for me to function daily. I don’t want to burn out, but, I need to appear as if I have bulletproof skin. It’s a waste of my joy, this second job. It is a war I feel like I will be fighting for the rest of my life. Will I ever feel whole again?
Life is meant to be exciting and beautiful. I wake up some days and feel nothing but dread and self-doubt. I’ve been called selfish. Looking in from the outside, I guess it’s true. My actions, at times, will appear I’m a self-centered person. It’s difficult to explain to the ones you love, you’re “crazy.” I have people that day -in and day -out who depend on me and I don’t want to let them down.
There are days where I feel like I should go away and get the help that I need. The thought of leaving causes more self-inflicted guilt and a sense of hopelessness. If I went away to take care of myself, it wouldn’t make sense to others. Even more so, because some of the people in my life don’t understand mental illness. They seem to have a solution to everything.
Life after trauma can be successful. But, am I just going through the motions or am I really living? I suppose it depends on the day. Recently, because of my husband, I feel safe. He doesn’t look at me like I’m damaged & Matt supports me when I’m down. I have felt true happiness in these last two years. Today, when I woke up, I believe in myself. Today, I know I will conquer. It’s an amazing feeling to know I’m worthy of love. I am not damaged goods. I’m a just another person coping with trauma the best way I know how. But, now, I don’t have to do it alone.