I am a survivor. This entry is part of the book I am currently writing. My hope is that it helps someone struggling in their life as a child or as an adult to break the cycle and break free from the chains of your past. Below is the first page of the book/ memoir. Down below is a link to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network webpage.
This wallpaper is hideous. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why they would even pick this style. The idea to build this room was for me to have my own space, yet, I wasn’t included in making the decisions of what the room looked like. If they let me decorate this room, it would be black. It made me wonder. Was building this room in the attic to keep me isolated from the family? At the age 12, I’ve already been through enough. I know it sounds like I’m ungrateful & petty, but, as I stared at those walls , I contemplated ending my life. Right then and there, I decided I hate this wallpaper. I hate it just as much as I hated my childhood. It was this exact wallpaper that would hold my stare, for what seemed like an eternity. I was at the crossroads of living and wanting to die. I moved my eyes back and forth between the ceiling and the wallpaper. Suddenly, I felt a tear fall down my face.
I will do my best to explain or recall the exact conversation I was having with myself. I was contemplating two different options. I felt like I was on a window ledge and time was standing still. I knew wishes were just empty thoughts. I wish I could turn back time so I could change my entire life up to this point. In reality, I needed to accept this is my life, for now. I can’t sweep my childhood under the rug and act like it isn’t real. I could kill myself. I know where my Dad keeps his gun and I’m sure it is loaded, because, well, safety didn’t seem to be of importance in this house. If it wasn’t loaded, I could find the bullets. This life I have been brought into could end and my pain would disappear. The thought of having peace from my struggles sent a warm sensation through my body. The other option was to live; stay strong and survive this childhood. If I stayed, I could take advantage of the privileges at my fingertips. I could gain all the education I needed to leave this house and become a successful adult. It was a hard decision. I felt torn between being selfish and selfless. I knew I couldn’t take the abuse day in and day out. However, I also knew, I didn’t want my sister to be here alone.
I dried my tears. The warrior came out in me and I said, “I’m going to live.”I started to realize, this life is temporary. Even though this was my life for now, it wasn’t by choice. As an adult, I would have complete control of my life. I wouldn’t have to live in pain or fear the unknown. This mainframe gave me strength, hope, courage, and relief. My life now, won’t define my future. I have the power to change the path of my life and no one could take that away from me. I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances. I’m going to survive. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t ever have to come back to this house again. I defiantly wouldn’t have to look at this wallpaper.
“Sometimes adults say, ‘They’re too young to understand.’ However, young children are affected by traumatic events, Childhood Trauma, even though they may not understand what happened.”